8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
