sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.