She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
