Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
