I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
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I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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