Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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