It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
His hands were made for my vagina.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
