He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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