i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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