I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize