i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
