so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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