You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
