Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So squirting runs in the family.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
