you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
