The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
