I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
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Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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