watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
