I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
