There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
