New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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