So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
