I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
