I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
