but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If I die, sorry about rent.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
