Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Duck Duck Cougar?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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