Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
