i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
what day is it and did you see me today?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
