Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
