I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He passed out mid-signature
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
