i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
