What did we do last night that was yellow?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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