Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
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you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
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She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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