Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i was born a porn star she said
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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