If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
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I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
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That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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