i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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