When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
