the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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