if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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