Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
