this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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