why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
