Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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