My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
