Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
