you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
