If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My vagina just clenched in fear
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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