Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
