fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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