My friends, they love my intelligence
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
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