dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
