So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
