That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
