the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think your dad took our porno
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
