Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
