apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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