Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
