he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
